i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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