Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
