I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
