my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
