I am midnight drunk by noon
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
