oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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