He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I need a beard to bite.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
