Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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