nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
