i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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