Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
