I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She even gives head with a lisp.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
