I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
