Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
