some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
