Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
