I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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