i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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