I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
