Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
