I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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