First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
