Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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