im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
