I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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