Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
either way he was missing a nipple.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
