he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
