Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
