Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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