I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
