apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
