i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
