Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
