Just fell off a train. Bad.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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