hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
