a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
