you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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