There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
