He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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