He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
