I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
