It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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