I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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