i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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