I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
