i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
