i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
