I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
