I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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