I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize