I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
