I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
