her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize