the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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