Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
