I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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