I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
