I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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