so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
