Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
