Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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