I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
