I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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