i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
