1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
