let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
