I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
