6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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