good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
